If You Love The Snow, I Hate You (sorta)

For those of you that love the snow, can't wait for it to snow, own a Jeep or similar vehicle that drives well in the snow...good for you. I have a differing and very valid reason for not liking the snow.

1. I either have to put on my ugly pink snowpants to walk my Demon 8 blocks to school at 8 in the morning or try to drive there in the crap.

2. I live in a court, so we don't get our street plowed out like normal streets do, as if people only drive in a half-assed circle to leave here.

3. My husband drives a semi for a national distribution company. You might just have to drive to and from work and then get to play in it, but he has to drive in it all day. I worry about him and all the other truck drivers when it's snowing or raining heavily, or windy.

4. People get killed in accidents because of this shit ! How can you think it's cool ? !

Wishing for snow is like wishing the dormant volcano by your house will erupt so you can dance in the ash and ski on the magma.

Argh...snow is not something to be wishing for when there are people having to be out in it while you're cozy in your cubicle.

Blessed be, safe travels and safe returns to everyone that does NOT enjoy it and has to go through it for their jobs.

P.S.

For those of you that might say "If you don't like it, then move", guess what...I gladly would if I could.

I'm Baaack !

So I totally forgot about this and then realized I need it. If I can't talk to people I know about crap then I might as well put it on the net hoping someone will read it. Isn't that how all the bloggers got started?

Here are some things I've figured out over the past few months, bear with me, it's a long list.

I have some form of depression, I drink too much, probably due to the depression, then I drink more cause I'm depressed that I'm depressed. I hate leaving my house if I'm the one driving, not that I hate driving, I just feel anxious doing it. I sleep WAAAY too much and most of the time I'm not even tired. I get mad that I could be reading stuff or doing something and then drink more cause I'm mad at myself for not doin anything. I have no desire to go out on the weekends, put on makeup, do my hair, none of that. I have 2 big drawers filled with cool T-shirts that I haven't been able to wear for over 2 years cause I've adopted a beer gut, and my family feels the need to tell me about it and stare at it everyday (where'd my beer go).

A sentence my dad said to me once when I was about 12 or so has never left my head, and I will NEVER say anything like that to my kid, should have basically been a form of child abuse: You're worthless and will never amount to anything, you're stupid.

Then there's my mom. Notice no capitalization of the word "MOM". When I'm angry you don't deserve a capital. I smell, I don't shower enough, I'm lazy, I don't do anything, I don't help, my hair is dirty, I wear the same shoes everyday and they smell, I wear non-cotton socks and they smell, I wear the same sweatshirt everytime I'm cold, I shouldn't wear a White Sox hat cause it's not baseball season, I didn't take pictures of my daughter in her Halloween costume. My favorites: I don't brush my teeth (like she's home to see me do this) and after I mentioned that maybe I was getting a bladder infection (those of which run rampant in our family) it was because "You don't wipe the right way".

W.T.F. Do you have a hidden camera in the bathroom watching me wipe my crotch when I pee? Seriously? If I catch my 7 year old not doing it the right way I show her how to do it, cause that's my job. But I'm not gonna be tellin her that she does it the wrong way if I didn't see her do it the wrong way. Especially when she's 33 years old.

Yeah I know I need to move out of my parents house, but that would mean I need a job. I tried explaining to my husband how I've been trying to find one for over 4 months but he doesn't get it how hard it is, especially since I haven't worked for 3 years due to not wanting to pay out the butt for day care.

I have a kid that goes to school at 8:30 in the morning and gets out at 2:30. That gives me 5 hours where I could work during the day. Good luck finding that nowadays. I remember seeing ads in the paper like 6 years ago for places looking for mothers that could only work those hours. Now those kind of places are hiring Grandmothers who have more experience and need the work to supplement their income.

I haven't been a very cheery or outgoing person for over a year, and I miss myself. No I don't have Holiday blues or Seasonal Affective Disorder (that hasn't set in yet, it's only December), but I can't shrug off what I've been being told for over the past year and was said to me when I was in Middle school...

You're worthless and will never amount to anything, you're stupid.

Well, mission accomplished.

Sanctuary Didn't Help

At least once a year I go to my sanctuary, The House On The Rock. I usually feel a great bit of contentment for at least a few months after going there. I also usually try to go there either on my birthday or around there. I decided to go in May when the whole tour was open, not just the shortened Spring tour. I was so excited to go this time because the Demon was going to be with me. She hadn't been there since she was a year and a half old, so it was like she'd never been there. Needless to say, the side effects of the ADHD meds, Vyvanse, made it so very non-sanctuarial for me. I feel like I was't even there and missed everything that I wanted to feel. It's not her fault. Vyvanse sucks !

Pictures

So...I heard, or rather read, about this site Flickr.com in my local newspaper. The chick that has a column once or twice a week invited people to people to post pictures through Flickr onto the Courier-News group. No problem. I posted a few and one of my pictures actually got printed in the paper. Rock on! I wasn't really aiming for that, I just wanted to share my pics with other people in my community who are also sharing theirs, some of them are very impressive.

Now here's where I get a little bit perturbed. The Flickr groups are set up so that you post pictures according to the theme of the group. Sounds simple enough, right?

There's this Jackhole who for some reason finds it necessary to post pictures of crazy looking rock dudes he's photographed, his daughter (I was just checking the lighting), things in Chicago (they don't get the Courier-News there), and other pictures that have nothing to do with what the point of the group is.

I'm not saying that his pictures aren't good, because they are very good pictures. But there's a place for certain pictures, and it is not in a group that is supposed to be pictures from around our community.

To top it off...he doesn't even live our community!!!

He lives in Island Lake, they don't get the Courier there!!!

Talk about a scam. Dude, try showing your pictures to the paper where you live. If they don't care...tough shit for you. I'm tired of seeing your crap ass nothing to do with my community pictures.

Good thing he has his address on his site.

I'm gonna pay a teenager to throw dog shit on his doorstep.

I really hate pretentious jerks.

My pictures that actually go with the theme of the group can be seen here:
ww.flickr.com/groups/ratbarblackfriar

I Once Dated Edward Cullen

Well, not really, but sorta. I fell asleeep last night, after reading Eclipse for an hour and a half, and had a weird dream. I was dreaming about Edward, but it wasn't Edward, it was Eric.

In high school when I was a Senior I was dating a Freshman, sad, I know. He was the most wonderful thing to ever happen to me. He the most beautiful eyes and always a crooked "I love you" smile. I've always wondered what it would be like if we never got broken up.

I tried to stalker search for him on the net, but nothin. Not even a facebook. Oh well, my dreams will have to do.

Don't tell my husband, hehe

Empathy...

I always thought that empathy was just something you had and learned to figure out as you grew up. Like learning how to talk, it's there, just takes practice. Walking, it's there, just takes practice.

My demon has no empathy at all. My husband brushes it off as "she's six".

It's not that she's just six. She just has NO empathy at all. A kid falls in the park and skins their knee, you ask if they're okay. That's showing empathy.

She was in front of our house in Dickhead's Mom's car after he (surprisingly) took her to ballet on Tuesday, she hadn't been home since Sunday morning. She tells me she misses being home when she's not here, but the whole minute she was in the car outside the house she didn't even glance toward the door to wave at me or ask if she could see me...how can she have any empathy?

I think about how when I was her age. I never disregarded people's feelings the way she does.

I guess it's just upsetting me more since Friday is my birthday and I can't go to my haven to heal my soul.

It's still very upsetting. I have noticed it before, it just upset me more today since she had no ragard for the fact that people were sleeping and it was 3 in the morning.

Am I the one that that was abnormal?

I really need to go to The House On The Rock for some soul cleansing.

Severiously.

Eleanor Rigby

My demon loves to take paper and cut it up and color it and make stuff. I have a tiny little vampire that she made me when I wasn't thinking and let her use a piece of card stock instead of paper. Maybe I did it subconciously on purpose so I could keep it.

Two weekends ago while I was coloring in one of our 500 coloring books and she was cutting and coloring with her markers, (we were never allowed to have markers, see how good I am) she said it was too quiet and asked me to turn on music.

That caught me by surprise since she has ADHD and that means that even in silence she has a million things scrolling through her poor little brain all the time.

When I was in middle school and high school I HAD to have music playing while doing my homework or reading a book, for background. Before the meds I would turn on the classical channel on the TV while we did her homework. Yes, she's in Kindergarten and has homework. I think I might have mentioned that before. She asked me to turn it off so she could concentrate. Oops, forgot that the music in the background made the ADHD harder to deal with. My bad.

Anyway.

When we're coloring and making things it was too quiet so she asked me if I could play some music. I jumped up, turned on iTunes as fast as I could and went to the fastest thing I could scroll down to.

I was brought up with my parents listening to oldies and the lastest hits of the day that my Uncle's would play for me. I guess I sang a darn good version of "Hot Blooded". I pulled up the Beatles and let it play through the list. When it got to Eleanor Rigby, as it was ending, she asked if I could play it again because she thought it sounded very beautiful. So I gave into the Queen's demands. After hearing it three times in a row I just let it move on to the next song.

The next day she asked me before school if I could put the "lovely people" song on her iPod. I told her they're LONELY people. "Oh, can I still have it on my iPod".

Ever since I've had it in my head, almost three weeks now. We've watched tons of videos playing that song on YouTube, and we must listen to it all the time. She even hums and sings it to herself while she's playing Animal Crossing or coloring.

I know she's only going to be gone for almost a week since Dickhead has her for Spring Break this week, but...aah, do I feel like Eleanor Rigby.

I hate being away from my demon and not knowing what she's doing. I guess I have emotional detachment issues.