If You Love The Snow, I Hate You (sorta)

For those of you that love the snow, can't wait for it to snow, own a Jeep or similar vehicle that drives well in the snow...good for you. I have a differing and very valid reason for not liking the snow.

1. I either have to put on my ugly pink snowpants to walk my Demon 8 blocks to school at 8 in the morning or try to drive there in the crap.

2. I live in a court, so we don't get our street plowed out like normal streets do, as if people only drive in a half-assed circle to leave here.

3. My husband drives a semi for a national distribution company. You might just have to drive to and from work and then get to play in it, but he has to drive in it all day. I worry about him and all the other truck drivers when it's snowing or raining heavily, or windy.

4. People get killed in accidents because of this shit ! How can you think it's cool ? !

Wishing for snow is like wishing the dormant volcano by your house will erupt so you can dance in the ash and ski on the magma.

Argh...snow is not something to be wishing for when there are people having to be out in it while you're cozy in your cubicle.

Blessed be, safe travels and safe returns to everyone that does NOT enjoy it and has to go through it for their jobs.

P.S.

For those of you that might say "If you don't like it, then move", guess what...I gladly would if I could.

I'm Baaack !

So I totally forgot about this and then realized I need it. If I can't talk to people I know about crap then I might as well put it on the net hoping someone will read it. Isn't that how all the bloggers got started?

Here are some things I've figured out over the past few months, bear with me, it's a long list.

I have some form of depression, I drink too much, probably due to the depression, then I drink more cause I'm depressed that I'm depressed. I hate leaving my house if I'm the one driving, not that I hate driving, I just feel anxious doing it. I sleep WAAAY too much and most of the time I'm not even tired. I get mad that I could be reading stuff or doing something and then drink more cause I'm mad at myself for not doin anything. I have no desire to go out on the weekends, put on makeup, do my hair, none of that. I have 2 big drawers filled with cool T-shirts that I haven't been able to wear for over 2 years cause I've adopted a beer gut, and my family feels the need to tell me about it and stare at it everyday (where'd my beer go).

A sentence my dad said to me once when I was about 12 or so has never left my head, and I will NEVER say anything like that to my kid, should have basically been a form of child abuse: You're worthless and will never amount to anything, you're stupid.

Then there's my mom. Notice no capitalization of the word "MOM". When I'm angry you don't deserve a capital. I smell, I don't shower enough, I'm lazy, I don't do anything, I don't help, my hair is dirty, I wear the same shoes everyday and they smell, I wear non-cotton socks and they smell, I wear the same sweatshirt everytime I'm cold, I shouldn't wear a White Sox hat cause it's not baseball season, I didn't take pictures of my daughter in her Halloween costume. My favorites: I don't brush my teeth (like she's home to see me do this) and after I mentioned that maybe I was getting a bladder infection (those of which run rampant in our family) it was because "You don't wipe the right way".

W.T.F. Do you have a hidden camera in the bathroom watching me wipe my crotch when I pee? Seriously? If I catch my 7 year old not doing it the right way I show her how to do it, cause that's my job. But I'm not gonna be tellin her that she does it the wrong way if I didn't see her do it the wrong way. Especially when she's 33 years old.

Yeah I know I need to move out of my parents house, but that would mean I need a job. I tried explaining to my husband how I've been trying to find one for over 4 months but he doesn't get it how hard it is, especially since I haven't worked for 3 years due to not wanting to pay out the butt for day care.

I have a kid that goes to school at 8:30 in the morning and gets out at 2:30. That gives me 5 hours where I could work during the day. Good luck finding that nowadays. I remember seeing ads in the paper like 6 years ago for places looking for mothers that could only work those hours. Now those kind of places are hiring Grandmothers who have more experience and need the work to supplement their income.

I haven't been a very cheery or outgoing person for over a year, and I miss myself. No I don't have Holiday blues or Seasonal Affective Disorder (that hasn't set in yet, it's only December), but I can't shrug off what I've been being told for over the past year and was said to me when I was in Middle school...

You're worthless and will never amount to anything, you're stupid.

Well, mission accomplished.

Sanctuary Didn't Help

At least once a year I go to my sanctuary, The House On The Rock. I usually feel a great bit of contentment for at least a few months after going there. I also usually try to go there either on my birthday or around there. I decided to go in May when the whole tour was open, not just the shortened Spring tour. I was so excited to go this time because the Demon was going to be with me. She hadn't been there since she was a year and a half old, so it was like she'd never been there. Needless to say, the side effects of the ADHD meds, Vyvanse, made it so very non-sanctuarial for me. I feel like I was't even there and missed everything that I wanted to feel. It's not her fault. Vyvanse sucks !

Pictures

So...I heard, or rather read, about this site Flickr.com in my local newspaper. The chick that has a column once or twice a week invited people to people to post pictures through Flickr onto the Courier-News group. No problem. I posted a few and one of my pictures actually got printed in the paper. Rock on! I wasn't really aiming for that, I just wanted to share my pics with other people in my community who are also sharing theirs, some of them are very impressive.

Now here's where I get a little bit perturbed. The Flickr groups are set up so that you post pictures according to the theme of the group. Sounds simple enough, right?

There's this Jackhole who for some reason finds it necessary to post pictures of crazy looking rock dudes he's photographed, his daughter (I was just checking the lighting), things in Chicago (they don't get the Courier-News there), and other pictures that have nothing to do with what the point of the group is.

I'm not saying that his pictures aren't good, because they are very good pictures. But there's a place for certain pictures, and it is not in a group that is supposed to be pictures from around our community.

To top it off...he doesn't even live our community!!!

He lives in Island Lake, they don't get the Courier there!!!

Talk about a scam. Dude, try showing your pictures to the paper where you live. If they don't care...tough shit for you. I'm tired of seeing your crap ass nothing to do with my community pictures.

Good thing he has his address on his site.

I'm gonna pay a teenager to throw dog shit on his doorstep.

I really hate pretentious jerks.

My pictures that actually go with the theme of the group can be seen here:
ww.flickr.com/groups/ratbarblackfriar

I Once Dated Edward Cullen

Well, not really, but sorta. I fell asleeep last night, after reading Eclipse for an hour and a half, and had a weird dream. I was dreaming about Edward, but it wasn't Edward, it was Eric.

In high school when I was a Senior I was dating a Freshman, sad, I know. He was the most wonderful thing to ever happen to me. He the most beautiful eyes and always a crooked "I love you" smile. I've always wondered what it would be like if we never got broken up.

I tried to stalker search for him on the net, but nothin. Not even a facebook. Oh well, my dreams will have to do.

Don't tell my husband, hehe

Empathy...

I always thought that empathy was just something you had and learned to figure out as you grew up. Like learning how to talk, it's there, just takes practice. Walking, it's there, just takes practice.

My demon has no empathy at all. My husband brushes it off as "she's six".

It's not that she's just six. She just has NO empathy at all. A kid falls in the park and skins their knee, you ask if they're okay. That's showing empathy.

She was in front of our house in Dickhead's Mom's car after he (surprisingly) took her to ballet on Tuesday, she hadn't been home since Sunday morning. She tells me she misses being home when she's not here, but the whole minute she was in the car outside the house she didn't even glance toward the door to wave at me or ask if she could see me...how can she have any empathy?

I think about how when I was her age. I never disregarded people's feelings the way she does.

I guess it's just upsetting me more since Friday is my birthday and I can't go to my haven to heal my soul.

It's still very upsetting. I have noticed it before, it just upset me more today since she had no ragard for the fact that people were sleeping and it was 3 in the morning.

Am I the one that that was abnormal?

I really need to go to The House On The Rock for some soul cleansing.

Severiously.

Eleanor Rigby

My demon loves to take paper and cut it up and color it and make stuff. I have a tiny little vampire that she made me when I wasn't thinking and let her use a piece of card stock instead of paper. Maybe I did it subconciously on purpose so I could keep it.

Two weekends ago while I was coloring in one of our 500 coloring books and she was cutting and coloring with her markers, (we were never allowed to have markers, see how good I am) she said it was too quiet and asked me to turn on music.

That caught me by surprise since she has ADHD and that means that even in silence she has a million things scrolling through her poor little brain all the time.

When I was in middle school and high school I HAD to have music playing while doing my homework or reading a book, for background. Before the meds I would turn on the classical channel on the TV while we did her homework. Yes, she's in Kindergarten and has homework. I think I might have mentioned that before. She asked me to turn it off so she could concentrate. Oops, forgot that the music in the background made the ADHD harder to deal with. My bad.

Anyway.

When we're coloring and making things it was too quiet so she asked me if I could play some music. I jumped up, turned on iTunes as fast as I could and went to the fastest thing I could scroll down to.

I was brought up with my parents listening to oldies and the lastest hits of the day that my Uncle's would play for me. I guess I sang a darn good version of "Hot Blooded". I pulled up the Beatles and let it play through the list. When it got to Eleanor Rigby, as it was ending, she asked if I could play it again because she thought it sounded very beautiful. So I gave into the Queen's demands. After hearing it three times in a row I just let it move on to the next song.

The next day she asked me before school if I could put the "lovely people" song on her iPod. I told her they're LONELY people. "Oh, can I still have it on my iPod".

Ever since I've had it in my head, almost three weeks now. We've watched tons of videos playing that song on YouTube, and we must listen to it all the time. She even hums and sings it to herself while she's playing Animal Crossing or coloring.

I know she's only going to be gone for almost a week since Dickhead has her for Spring Break this week, but...aah, do I feel like Eleanor Rigby.

I hate being away from my demon and not knowing what she's doing. I guess I have emotional detachment issues.

All The Lonely People

I really hate it when my demon is gone and know that instead of sleeping in her own room, in her own bed, that she's sleeping on a $2000 leather couch with a grown man who hs no regard for her well being at all. Just that it's his turn to "get her".

If my court stuff was through Kane County instead of DuPage, this sh!t wouldn't fly.

Does he really think it's OK for him to sleep on a couch with her in his parents basement. Fine, it's an "in-law" situation in the basement of his sister's house, so I guess technically not the basement. But still.

Here she has her own room with a double size bed. My Mom complains that I still keep my socks and underwear in the closety thing that I got from Ikea years ago. Sorry, but my dresser that I got at a garage sale, even though old style and cool looking, just doesn't have deep enough drawers for all of mine and my husbands stuff. Well, his, but not mine.

I've also been told that I shouldn't keep our costumes in their either, and that I should take my collection of shot glasses down in my room. By my Mom and my husband. They think it looks bad that a 6 year old has over 20 shot glasses in her room and she might break them. She knows how I feel about the shot glasses because she's seen that I buy them when we visit places, so she knows that they're special and has never even THOUGHT about touching them. Esepically the one from Santa's Village. And ! And ! When she first started having to take her ADHD meds, I put it in water in, guess what...a shot glass.

Argh. that's all I have to say. Actually I have more. Give me a few minutes.

Parking Tickets

If you park somewhere you shouldn't, like in front of a business, and block where people need to park or walk...fine, give me a ticket.

Two weeks ago my Father got a parking ticket for parking angled toward the curb. His truck was parked facing our house in front of our mailbox that we share with our neighbor and he wasn't blocking their driveway. We live in a court! How the hell else are you supposed to park in a court?

Our neighbors son got a parking ticket because his car was parked less than 3 feet from the driveway. His own driveway. Are you kidding me?!

We have lived in this court for 9 years. The last house we lived in was in a court, and we lived there for about 12 years and when we complained to the police about our neighbor blocking our driveway nothing happened.

Thanks neighbors who moved and rented their house out to the stupid biyatch.

There was a 2 foot grass area along the curb between our driveways and this lady would park her car so that if we backed out of our driveway...guess what would happen? We would have hit her car. My Dad showed her one day and she said "I just ain't seeing it."

That phrase has now become a joke in our house, but it's sill pretty crapy that they couldn't do anything then, but they give you a $20 ticket for it now.

People complain about racial profiling...how about living in a court profiling. The same dude keeps driving around and giving us tickets.

If I was him, I would park down the street a few blocks away and snatch all the people who blow through the 4-way intersection. But I guess it's more fun to drive around in courts at 10 in the morning and give people parking tickets to fill hi quota.

He must have watched "The Burbs" one too many times.

And He Has A Really Big Package

My Mom bought a new computer with my parents tax return money, no big deal, only around $700 after tax for a computer that would cost a regular person around $1200 before tax. My Aunt works for HP so we got a deal. My Dad was freakin out about it. I knew that someone would have to sign for it when it came, no biggy. At 8:06 AM on Thursday my demon yells down the vent to my room...

(I sleep in the basement,remember)

Mooom ! There's a man at the door ! And he has a really big package!

To all of us "adults"...does that not make you laugh ?

I've been laughin about it ever since. I even started laughing about it a few times when I was trying to fall asleep.

The only bad part about it is that when I ran upstairs to sign for the "really big package"...she had the door open for him.

This is just anoher reason why I vote my child for the "Most Likely To Get Kidnapped" award.

She gets embarassed and won't DARE show you any part of her recital dance.

But put her in a line waiting to check out at Target...she'll tell you her life story.

Some guy at the door with a package (hehe, I can't resist), and she's all fine and dandy.

She's 6 and I've only lost her once, for about 30 minutes last summer. And she was with someone I knew, so I guess I'm sot bad.

And So It Goes

In my pipe dream of trying to post everyday...here's what you get.

I don't have a job because I spent my time working and had to pay for day care for my kid. Thus I ended up working to pay for gas to go to my job and to pay for day care while someone else watches my kid in a building where germs are running rampant. I worked in day care centers for 7 years, so I know what I'm talkin about. My sis is doing it now and always brings home colds and what not.

Anyway.

After paying for day care and gas and lunch and blah, blah, blah...it's better to not work than to only net around 75 bucks every two weeks and not take care of my own crazy child.

Today, since I don't have a job, I took my 15 year old cousin to the orthodontist. I like doing it cause I get to hang out and talk with him during the drive because he likes cheesy horror movies like me. And my aunt gives me 20 bucks everytime I do it. Not that I ask for it, she just does it cause she's cool. He has to go back in 6 weeks. Next time I'm gonna demand that my Uncle's band learns "Hotel California" so I can sing at their next gig, which will be in about 6 weeks.

Back to my demon...I was late picking my cousin up cause my crack-head daughter takes FOREVER to do anything.

If you put a cup of chocolate pudding in front of a normal 6 year old, what do you think is gonna happen? It'll be gone in less then a minute.

Not my kid.

She was diagnosed with ADHD and ODD. I personally think she has a slight touch of OCD too. Only because I'm weird and have to do certain things a certain way and like to put things in order. But she picks at her fingers and they look like a hyena was chewin on the ends of them!

I guess I really have no point other than I should go to bed. And that even though puttin your kids on drugs seems bad and you don't want to do it...DO IT !

I take a lot less Xanax now that my demon is on her ADHD meds. She focuses better on her homework, I don't know why they have to have homework in Kinderagarten, and she doesn't run around the house all crazy.

She likes it when I read. I could read when I was 4, so it bugged me that my demon wanted nothing to do with books, but I get it now.

I hated reading or studying if I couldn't have music playing in the background. The ADHD makes it like there's 5 different commercials playing all at the same time and they just can't focus.

Sometimes I forget and she complains. Argh. I hate the quiet.

Hopefully she'll appreciate the beauty of Pink Floyd. On of these days.

Of Pirates And Demons

I made this blog thingy a looong time ago but never did anything with it. My New Years resolution was to to actually do something on here before my birthday. So 16 days before I turn 33 I'm gonna post something. This is all you're gettin though cause I'm tired and have real stuff to do tomorrow besides just walking 7 blocks to and from the school to get my Kindergartener to school and trying to keep the part-time dog from pooping in our neighbors yards.